Post #2 The Falling

My current diagnosis is major depressive disorder, treatment-resistant depression, generalized anxiety disorder, and panic disorder. A previous psychiatrist included bipolar disorder but my current psychiatrist ruled it out. It happens.

I was working my dream job as a teaching and learning specialist for a private university in Washington, DC – I was using my education degree teaching professors how to teach. I had made it – a job I could see myself doing for the rest of my working years.

I was living on the perfect combination of anti-depressant(s) and anti-anxiety medications that took years to figure out, including an antipsychotic. I was mentally stable and professionally thriving!

Then . . . my tongue started moving on its own. It was a gradual thing but eventually I was slurring words and biting my tongue when I talked. My psychiatrist knew a potential side effect of my antipsychotic Abilify was dystonia, involuntary muscle contractions. Since the contractions were happening at my tongue, it was considered dangerous because I might eventually choke. So, I had to taper off that medication after 10 years. We didn’t know what would happen.

I fell deep into the void that is depression. And. It. Just. Wouldn’t. Go. Away. We tried new medication after new medication, and my depression chose to stay. It takes a couple weeks to a month to determine the full potential of each new medication, to see whether it worked, so we waited. And waited.

I had to go on short-term disability leave from work. It was embarrassing. To be honest, if I had broken my leg, or contracted measles, it wouldn’t have been as hard telling my supervisor and colleagues. Because I know what they’re thinking – I’m just sad about something and I’ll get over it eventually.

That wasn’t the case at all. Depression is such a shallow and outdated name for what it really is. But it’s all we got for the people who inquire and you care to tell. This wasn’t situational depression, like my aunt died. This was Clinical. Chronic. Severe. Debilitating.

I knew it was bad but I didn’t know at the time it would be the start of my long, steady sleep, day and night, for the next 3 years.