Post #6 Permission to Live Without a Purpose When You’re Ill

Personal Journal Excerpt

“I wish I could stop fighting with myself that I can be doing better. I wish I could let go of the thought that I can control the amount of effort I put into something. I see the positivity in all this though, because it could mean I won’t settle for complacency. But at what cost? Why can’t I just let myself live without a reason.”

I have a strong urge to be productive at all times – the only actions I valued were the ones that got things done that needed to get done. Employment. Grocery Shopping. Housework. I didn’t have any hobbies, I didn’t watch TV, I didn’t read for fun. It’s not uncommon I guess, to not know value of leisure and rest. But I had plenty of purpose, even if it was to fold the last load of laundry. At least that’s how I started out.

I had some spirituality but it doesn’t come automatically to mind when I’m in pain. I wasn’t raised with religion, and there was no god coming to save me; if there was, he came too late. And I wasn’t raised with self-confidence – I believed you had to become something to deserve to feel good. By default, I was raised needing to prove myself, again and again and  again.

Depression took away all the productive behaviors I valued, including my dream job. It stripped me of the things that gave me worth and value.  I had no choice but to learn to love what was left.

It took years of psychotherapy just allowing myself to live without purpose. It was okay to just be laying there. It’s okay that I can’t get up. It’s okay my husband comes home from work and finds me still in bed with no lights on. It’s okay dinner wasn’t microwaved, it’s okay beds weren’t made, it’s okay nothing in the house was moved.

The shame, the self-hate, the bitterness over the waste of your past efforts toward success, the loss of my potential – it does nothing for you. It only made things worse for me. If there is anything I get out of 3 years of depression, it’s that I finally found self-acceptance.

Once you give yourself permission for your body to do what it needs to go through, to heal, despite what it may mean losing your self-worth and dignity, you come to terms to the life you live in. Even by doing nothing.