Post #18 When My Anxiety Wins and I Lose

August 3, 2025

My anxiety has been debilitating lately. I wonder how much of it is in my head and how much of it is in my biology. I have a psychiatrist who diagnoses me and a psychotherapist who doesn’t really believe in mental illnesses. I have medication that alleviates my anxiety, an actual chemical component, which makes diagnoses useful.  But I also have behavioral strategies to deal with anxiety without pills. Usually, my anxiety wins and my strategies go out the window.

Anxiety is more painful to me than depression. With depression, I am apathetic and my mind goes numb. With anxiety, it’s the strongest emotion I’ve ever felt, and it comes with a desperate, desperate need for relief. If I didn’t believe in god, I would if he could make my anxiety go away. It never gets easier and I’ve had it for almost 40 years.

My anxiety doesn’t come with a reason that I can rationalize myself out of. That’s the scary part – I don’t know what to fix. I just wish I can tell my mind that it’s okay to rest, that it’s okay to take a break. I don’t need to worry so much to survive. I wish I can convince my mind that it’s not necessary to work so hard. I’m tired, and my body is tired from it. I had no idea my mind was so strong, just not the way I wanted.

Maybe it’s because I fear too much of so much. Maybe it’s because I can’t persuade my mind that my world is safe. Anxiety, not depression, is what causes me to think of death. Anxiety tells me it’s okay to die and I’m not even suicidal. Because death would be merciful to my soul than to suffer from anxiety. I’m not afraid of death because it’s so much harder to live. Don’t get me wrong – I want to live. I just understand the suffering souls who don’t.