Post #3 Post #3 The Surface of Major Depression – Short Story

My psychiatrist says I am currently in remission from major depression after 3 years of living on my bed for 23 hours a day. Remission means that I am free from depression symptoms for at least 6 months. I couldn’t celebrate because, as luck would have it, I needed spinal surgery one month after I was in remission. And a few months after that, I developed symptoms that would eventually lead to a fibromyalgia diagnosis.

But thanks to being symptom free, I can talk about it. Remember, this is not a success story. I lost almost everything that mattered to me, and my life, ironically, remains void as I try to fix everything I lost and neglected in the past few years.

I lost friends. Not because they didn’t care but because they didn’t know what to do. It kind of worked out because I didn’t want to see them, not because I didn’t care but because I couldn’t. You can’t care about anything, really, when clinically depressed.

I lost my dream job. It was a job I could have seen myself doing for the rest of my life, which I know is hard to come by.  It’s painful to remember the phone call from my supervisor saying he had to let me go. I had never lost a job in my life, but I couldn’t blame him at all. He kept my job as long as he could but they had to move on.

I couldn’t care about all the medical bills I had to pay. I couldn’t care about the insurance companies I needed to call back. I couldn’t care about the mail I need to open. I couldn’t care about the checks that need to be deposited. I couldn’t care about deadlines, due dates, warnings.

I showered once a week. Personal hygiene wasn’t even on my mind because I slept day and night. Actually, I had ONE waking hour each day to do a few things around the house before going back to bed. I couldn’t wait for “bedtime,” because it was the only time I didn’t feel self-hatred about being in bed.  

This is just the surface of depression.

I welcome comments and questions – and no question is too sensitive to address at this point. I think these are the real questions that need to be asked.

Thank you for the support I’ve received so far – it’s kind of mind-blowing to me discovering that what I experienced might actually be important for someone else to hear.