I would never see myself as someone worth listening to. I am a nobody who has just hit a personal rock-bottom in life after 4 years of medical challenges. Now, I am unemployed, unhealthy, and without purpose or a plan.

But this wasn’t always the case: I graduated valedictorian in high school, received a full ride to a private university for my bachelor’s, received another full ride to a private university for my master’s, and was a working professional for 20 years. I had a happy-go-lucky demeaner that attracted people. Colleagues have told my former boss that I’m the happiest person they know.

All of that changed when I became allergic to my antipsychotic, Abilify, and I had to stop taking it after a DECADE of mental stability thanks to it. This is where my story begins.

The things I plan on talking about will contradict with my sunny appearance and goofy behavior. Because I want to be painfully honest about mental illness. I want to spit out the disgusting realities of living in a mind that produces thoughts you can’t trust. My sick brain was at war with my body and it won.

I have depression and anxiety – pretty common right? But it’s no joke – I lost 3 years of my life to managing it. Then, I lost another 2 years battling spinal disease and fibromyalgia.

I’ve always wanted to explain what it’s like being in psychiatric wards – I’ve been hospitalized to a total of 3 different wards during my life. I will talk about the use of esketamine – you sniff it – to treat depression. I will discuss ECT, what happens when electrodes are stuck to my head to intentionally induce seizures to both hemispheres of my brain.

But that’s just the beginning. My brain goes to dark places and a few journal excerpts might make you uncomfortable, but we need some REALITY here about mental illness. Not myths, not of overcoming and triumphs. Because, right now, I’m at my lowest point in life and I am not accustomed to failing.

I’m inspired from success stories – but people write self-help books AFTER they’ve already overcome their challenge and live to talk about it.

This is not about a success story; I’m FAILING IN LIFE NOW! Maybe this is your reality, too.

My challenge is to reinvent myself without any clue of where to start except here.

If you’re interested in listening to more, please let me know. I’d love to hear from you.